She is in my trunk
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
