She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize