TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
