the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Randomize