My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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