is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
