and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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