i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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