I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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