i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I think people are normalizing furries
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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