Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
