...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
