I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
