He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
