I'm so fucking centered right now
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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