the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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