just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I woke up under a house in Key West
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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