I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
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