I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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