I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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