so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
