if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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