Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
try to milk me bitch
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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