There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
