I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
