Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
