Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
