He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
