I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
