Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
