my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Randomize