it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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