I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Randomize
