i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
should my penis look like a turkey
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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