i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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