3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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