I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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