ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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