just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
