Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
