We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
