If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
