She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
