Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
