Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
BRING THE BAGELS
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
