yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
