I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
