he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
