In America we eat man semen.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize