I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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