There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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