pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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