I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
