I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
