I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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