I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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