I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Ketchup is God's man juice
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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