I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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