I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
