My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
